I like to fight. Though that would be putting it in the mildest sense possible.

I love to fight like the heroin addict loves his gank. I love to fight like a sexual compulsive loves to screw. I love to fight like one of those inhumanly massive fat people you sometimes see like to eat.

I love to fight like I've never loved another person.

I had a little fight club going long before I saw the movie, or read the book. Well, not so much a club. It was basically every once in a while me and my friend would go into the woods alone and beat the crap out of each other, screaming about whatever might have been eating us that week. We would fight each other like we were fighting the very people that made our lives so difficult, our oft-absent fathers, vicious jerks at school...sometimes we fought concepts as our fists and feet pounded one another and our hands groped for branches and rocks. We would fight our grades, our insecurities...we would fight everything about the society that made us so screwed up.

We had lots of good methods for hiding the injuries and covering the scars.

That friend, a friend who is my brother from all the blood we bled into each other's wounds, moved away about a year ago last Monday. Since then I have tried to cope with a painstakingly slowly growing feeling of depression and pent-up rage. The other day I went out an socked some guy in the face and ran. I went out purposefully to do just this.

So I am wondering if perhaps this is a serious problem...I wonder if perhaps I should see someone, except psychology and psychiatry are fields so full of self-serving useless crud nowadays that I'm pretty sure they'll just pump me full of the wrong drug.

Bleah. Why is it always like three in the morning when I do these?

Anyhow, I think that fighting was like a drug to me in the same way that sex can be a drug to a sex addict, or any kind of person with any addiction. I could be an adrenaline junkie in the worst sense of the term. I've been fighting pretty constantly since second grade up till a year ago, so I have to wonder if perhaps this is a kind of withdrawal.

I don't really know who gets these, if anyone at all...but, any thoughts?